Mascara Stains

I don't like what I saw when I walked into our bedroom a little while ago. My pillow was spattered with mascara stains. It was a reminder of what the last few days have been like for me. Last week I was feeling so much better about things and hopeful for the future. But, the last few day's events have made me feel like I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under my feet. There have been quite a few things happening in my body, and they have reminded me (in a roundabout way) of my past abuse.

I was sexually abused by family members in my childhood. Some of you know this and others do not. It has affected me, my husband, and our kids in more ways than I could possibly describe here. Personally, it has affected every aspect of my life. My family has had to deal with so much more than they should have had to. They have watched me suffer over and over again.

I have recently come to the realization that it is finally time for me to begin working on this issue, so that our family can try to move forward. You see, I have avoided thoughts of the abuse for so long that it is has been creating major chaos in our lives. I don't want that for myself or my family anymore.

My thoughts lately have reminded me that I will be able to get through this. It will be hard work, but it will be worth the effort. When we lost our precious son, I thought that I would never recover or even begin to start living again. Many years later and after going through a major grieving process, I have come so far. I have healed so much from the loss and know that our son is in a safe, wonderful place. If I can make it through that, then I can make it through anything. That loss was by far the most painful thing that I have ever experienced.

Now I ask myself why I haven't ever worked through the issues involved with the abuse. Denial, perhaps? Definitely. Who wants to deal with that kind of pain? Who wants to be reminded that the ones that were supposed to protect you are the ones that tried to destroy your life? Who wants to try and patch that part of their life up when it seems so insurmountable?

Lately I have been given the gift of many tools and coping skills to use as I embark on this new journey. I am thankful for them, but only wish that I was better at remembering to use them instead of immediately turning to my old ways of coping. I have also been given the gift of a wonderful counselor who is very knowledgeable in this area. It makes me feel good to know that I will have some help wandering through this new terrain.

I know that I couldn't do this without the Lord, my family, and my friends. I am very grateful that I have so many wonderful people in my life. My husband has had to deal with so much because of my past. My hope is that one day he will find that it was all worth it. Our kids have had to deal with so much, too. My prayer is that they will soon see a new Mom, full of life, hope, and a new way of coping with her life. I also hope that soon my pillow will be free of mascara and any other reminders that tears were there not long ago.